My parents love buffets. I mean, they really love buffets. It seems that every time I visit them, I end up at one buffet place or another. I have come to the conclusion that I really hate buffets. Let me qualify that: I really hate bad buffets.

My parents love them because of the variety: it’s easy to order the wrong thing. It’s funny that they subjugate themselves to this just to avoid getting something bad. With so many choices and a virtually unlimited ability to go back for different items, it’s a win in their books.

However, I think they’re sacrificing quality: it’s hard to find good quality fare at a buffet. It’s not impossible, just very difficult. Take the place I was at last night: the selection was pretty good, and it looked pretty good, but have you ever tried to keep steamed vegetables nice and crisp when they’re soaking in a vat of hot water? Meat also has a tendency to age quickly. All selections will get cold after a period. First rule of buffets: you have to have incredibly fast turnover, or your food will suffer.

Plus, the all-you-can-eat mentality that buffets provide is not exactly healthy. You usually can’t have just one plate of food. That would be sacrilege! We have some unspoken rule on buffets that you have to make your money back when you eat — the they’re-going-to-be-sorry-they-let-us-in mentality.

However, good buffets do exist. Take Minado, for instance, which has a high enough turnover to keep quality fare on the counter. I’m also a fan of Little India on Moody Street in Waltham, which offers decent fare and two things that keep me coming back: samosas and kheer (rice pudding). Other Indian buffets take note!

All buffets should follow these precepts:

• Get lots of people. Lots of people equals high turnover, which means fresh food. Marketing, word-of-mouth, whatever it takes, just get a lot of people in the door.
• Don’t go overboard on offerings. Too many choices equals less turnover. Seeing a trend yet? Focus on the strongest dishes, and let the rest go away.
• Keep items stocked. There’s nothing worse for a buffet than having people standing around waiting for a restock. You’re on notice, New Mother India!
• Keep your buffet clean. As a customer, I’m already bugged out by the cafeteria-style mess hall line setup. Don’t make cleanliness an issue. I hate picking up a fresh plate and feeling, um, buffet food scum. Ewww.

My wife thinks that all buffets should have soft-serve ice cream as well. I’m not sure it’s necessary, but then again, it probably doesn’t hurt.

While I’m not writing buffets out of my life, I’m certainly not seeking them out, either. I lean towards being able to order my own meal, thank you very much. Of course, the Nordic Lodge is tempting…I had better find some stretchy pants.