Most folks remember that talk during high school driver’s ed: drinking and driving is a bad combination. Drinking alcohol, after all, will impair your vision, reactions, and judgment, all a recipe for disaster when flying down the road in a couple tons of steel. However, how many actually get to see the effects of drinking on your driving? Thanks to the wonderful world of video games, now you can do so without fear of death, injury, or incarceration! Ingredients for this experiment:

• 1x Need For Speed: Underground
• 1x bottle of 18 year old Glenfiddich scotch
• 1x Person willing to drink and drive a virtual car

Fortunately, I was able to procure all of these items from the contents of my home. Need For Speed: Underground is an interesting choice, because it involves racing at high speeds through city streets. Granted, if drunk, I would hope that racing through the streets at high speeds wouldn’t be first on my mind, but what can you do. 18 year old Glenfiddich scotch was selected because a) I’m not particularly fond of Glenfiddich — it’s okay, but not my usual scotch; and b) I have two bottles of it. Dosage will be in one shot increments. Let the experiment begin!

No Shots

Wow, I have a little trouble navigating the roads at high speeds even when sober. It takes me several tries to finish some of the races. I ponder how short my career as an underground street racer would be in real life. Bonus tips: apparently, I can race pretty well, if I can slam into walls to lose some speed. Oh, and apparently, no matter how bad a smash up I may have, my car will emerge unscathed. They apparently must be making cars a lot better than they used to.

One Shot

The shot is warm going down, and I start to feel a little light-headed. Did someone turn on the heater? I start a race, and I’m the man. I’m reading the terrain in advance, and corning like a pro. When I power slide around a tight turn, I begin to think that I actually know how my car handles.

Two Shots

The second shot goes down easier than the first. Scotch, you say? I start wondering if I should turn on the ceiling fan. My racing isn’t as slick as after the first shot, but I can power through it. The nitro button makes my car do things I don’t like it to do. Mental note: if I’m ever drunk and driving (God forbid), do not I repeat do not engage the nitrous oxide system — it won’t end well.

Three Shots

It’s a little hard to stomach the third shot, as I feel the first two still settling in. My car has an affinity for trees, for some reason. Why do they keep jumping out in front of my car? It’s annoying to be cruising down a street at 90 MPH, only to suddenly be at 0 MPH in front of a tree. The other racers don’t seem to have this problem. Stupid cheating computer.

Four Shots

Hmm, why did the game makers make the screen all blurry? Is it to emphasize speed? Then I realize it’s not the game that’s blurry. I’m thanking the game makers for putting in the hard edges to the race track, or God knows where my car would be right now. Probably heading to a Denny’s.

Five Shots

If I’m getting into the underground racing scene, do I really want to be driving a Civic? Clearly not. I trade in my car for a Mazda Miata, which proves that I still have motor function enough to work menus — good news for late night food runs. Bad news for random eBay purchasing. The Miata has much more speed and acceleration than the Civic, which I’m starting to regret in my condition. I get out of my chair and sit closer to the TV. I don’t think that would be possible in a real car — the seat will only move so far forward.

Six Shots

There are a lot of colors on the screen. I hope none of them are ambulances. I’m pretty sure I saw a squirrel run by. Screw driving, I’m going to bed.

So there you have it, a cautionary tale in action. Drinking and driving is verifiably bad. No real news here, but I encourage you to try virtual drunk driving yourself to see how bad. Just watch out for the next morning, because though you may have only been virtually driving, you’ll feel like you’ve been in a real accident. I’m going to find a quiet place now.