September 02, 2004

What I learned of the future from Doom 3.

No one knows what the future will be like, but id Software presented their take on 2145 with their dystopian Mars setting. From Doom 3, we can get a glimpse of the future, and learn what, at least in id's perspective, life will be like 141 years from now. Here's what I've learned so far...

Personal digital assistants will get larger, not smaller. Palm Tungsten? Weak. Smartphone? That's so 2000. Real men like large PDAs -- the larger, the better. The ones they use in this game are about the size of a notebook. If you're a professional, you have to go full size.

An architectural renaissance will cause hidden passages to flourish. I don't know what it is about the future, but people there love hidden passageways. They especially love them if they're well hidden -- they have to look like the walls too, right? And who doesn't need a closet with no hangars or shelves, but large enough to hide a body?

You must use both hands to hold a flashlight. Cross a pistol over a flashlight, Scully-in-X-Files style? Not a chance. No one in their right mind would try such a thing! If you're using a flashlight, use the flashlight. Don't try to do other things at the same time.

Bullets are best stored out in the open in plain sight. As a marine, you must always be ready for action. You can't be bothered to dig ammo out of a locker -- put that stuff on the table! How else are you going to grab it in a firefight?

Spam will continue to be a problem. Apparently, even on Mars you can't avoid spam. At least in the future they give you chain guns as freebies.

The future will be very high resolution. The problem with this is that when things get busy, you'll find your vision stutters. I don't know why this happens, it just does. Maybe it's the thinner atmosphere on Mars?

Marines can carry a lot of gear. Shotgun? Check. Chain gun? Check. Machine gun? Check. Plasma rifle? Check. Chainsaw? Check. How the hell does one person run around with all this stuff?

Chainsaws ought to be standard issue for fighting forces. I don't know what they did to chainsaw technology in the future, but it's awesome. They should issue these things standard to combatants for up close fighting!

When you kill people, their bodies will go away. People don't like to kill other people generally, especially when there's a messy body left over. Not a problem in the future! For whatever reason, people you kill in the future tend to just, well, vaporize. Now that's what I call firepower.

Don't hire scientists that have a lazy eye. You just can't trust them, apparently. Sometimes they open gateways to hell, and that's just not good for anyone.

Video games in the future are really lame. Maybe it's because life is just so exciting, but video games have gotten really, really lame in the future. Did you play Super Turkey Puncher?

If you're a woman working on a distant planet, you're bound to be sexually harrassed. The pay better be damn good on Mars to be a woman and on that planet. One woman got moved to a remote part of the base, just so her boss could be her one point of human contact. What the hell is with that?


The future's looking pretty bleak. I guess I'm glad I'm living in these times.

Posted by John at September 2, 2004 10:41 AM | TrackBack
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