Most folks remember that talk during high school driver’s ed: drinking and driving is a bad combination. Drinking alcohol, after all, will impair your vision, reactions, and judgment, all a recipe for disaster when flying down the road in a couple tons of steel. However, how many actually get to see the effects of drinking on your driving? Thanks to the wonderful world of video games, now you can do so without fear of death, injury, or incarceration! Ingredients for this experiment:

• 1x Need For Speed: Underground
• 1x bottle of 18 year old Glenfiddich scotch
• 1x Person willing to drink and drive a virtual car

Fortunately, I was able to procure all of these items from the contents of my home. Need For Speed: Underground is an interesting choice, because it involves racing at high speeds through city streets. Granted, if drunk, I would hope that racing through the streets at high speeds wouldn’t be first on my mind, but what can you do. 18 year old Glenfiddich scotch was selected because a) I’m not particularly fond of Glenfiddich — it’s okay, but not my usual scotch; and b) I have two bottles of it. Dosage will be in one shot increments. Let the experiment begin!

No Shots

Wow, I have a little trouble navigating the roads at high speeds even when sober. It takes me several tries to finish some of the races. I ponder how short my career as an underground street racer would be in real life. Bonus tips: apparently, I can race pretty well, if I can slam into walls to lose some speed. Oh, and apparently, no matter how bad a smash up I may have, my car will emerge unscathed. They apparently must be making cars a lot better than they used to.

One Shot

The shot is warm going down, and I start to feel a little light-headed. Did someone turn on the heater? I start a race, and I’m the man. I’m reading the terrain in advance, and corning like a pro. When I power slide around a tight turn, I begin to think that I actually know how my car handles.

Two Shots

The second shot goes down easier than the first. Scotch, you say? I start wondering if I should turn on the ceiling fan. My racing isn’t as slick as after the first shot, but I can power through it. The nitro button makes my car do things I don’t like it to do. Mental note: if I’m ever drunk and driving (God forbid), do not I repeat do not engage the nitrous oxide system — it won’t end well.

Three Shots

It’s a little hard to stomach the third shot, as I feel the first two still settling in. My car has an affinity for trees, for some reason. Why do they keep jumping out in front of my car? It’s annoying to be cruising down a street at 90 MPH, only to suddenly be at 0 MPH in front of a tree. The other racers don’t seem to have this problem. Stupid cheating computer.

Four Shots

Hmm, why did the game makers make the screen all blurry? Is it to emphasize speed? Then I realize it’s not the game that’s blurry. I’m thanking the game makers for putting in the hard edges to the race track, or God knows where my car would be right now. Probably heading to a Denny’s.

Five Shots

If I’m getting into the underground racing scene, do I really want to be driving a Civic? Clearly not. I trade in my car for a Mazda Miata, which proves that I still have motor function enough to work menus — good news for late night food runs. Bad news for random eBay purchasing. The Miata has much more speed and acceleration than the Civic, which I’m starting to regret in my condition. I get out of my chair and sit closer to the TV. I don’t think that would be possible in a real car — the seat will only move so far forward.

Six Shots

There are a lot of colors on the screen. I hope none of them are ambulances. I’m pretty sure I saw a squirrel run by. Screw driving, I’m going to bed.

So there you have it, a cautionary tale in action. Drinking and driving is verifiably bad. No real news here, but I encourage you to try virtual drunk driving yourself to see how bad. Just watch out for the next morning, because though you may have only been virtually driving, you’ll feel like you’ve been in a real accident. I’m going to find a quiet place now.

Stephen Colbert recently gave the commencement address at Knox College. An interesting read. While the majority of the speech is filled with the comedic stylings of his television show, he finished with a serious message to the class: don’t be a cynic.

So, say “yes.” In fact, say “yes” as often as you can. When I was starting out in Chicago, doing improvisational theatre with Second City and other places, there was really only one rule I was taught about improv. That was, “yes-and.” In this case, “yes-and” is a verb. To “yes-and.” I yes-and, you yes-and, he, she or it yes-ands. And yes-anding means that when you go onstage to improvise a scene with no script, you have no idea what’s going to happen, maybe with someone you’ve never met before. To build a scene, you have to accept. To build anything onstage, you have to accept what the other improviser initiates on stage. They say you’re doctors—you’re doctors. And then, you add to that: We’re doctors and we’re trapped in an ice cave. That’s the “-and.” And then hopefully they “yes-and” you back. You have to keep your eyes open when you do this. You have to be aware of what the other performer is offering you, so that you can agree and add to it. And through these agreements, you can improvise a scene or a one-act play. And because, by following each other’s lead, neither of you are really in control. It’s more of a mutual discovery than a solo adventure. What happens in a scene is often as much a surprise to you as it is to the audience.

Well, you are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what’s going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say “yes.” And if you’re lucky, you’ll find people who will say “yes” back.

Now will saying “yes” get you in trouble at times? Will saying “yes” lead you to doing some foolish things? Yes it will. But don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes.”

Excellent words, Mr. Colbert. It’s all too easy in life to become a cynic, so I applaud you calling it out. I apologize for you having to suffer the drudgeries of Galesburg, Illinois.

Okay, it’s not really politically correct, but this is a good blonde joke.

Is that a boat on the track? Why yes, yes it is. Over the fourth, I forayed into white trash territory by checking out the demolition derby in Greenville, Maine.

Actually, what they usually have up there are dirt track races — take your beater cars, paint a number on the side, and smash your way to victory, if necessary.

On the fourth, they had a few extra events, such as the demolition derby (which an aquaintance of mine won, with his ‘Cadziller’), and a boat trailer race, the outcome of which you can see above.

Somehow, this just seems like a bad idea: trucks with boat trailers and boats racing around a dirt track, with no regard for smashing one another. Even more peculiar is the rule that you only have to start the race with a boat. Feel free to lose the boat on that first lap around.

I have to admit, it was a pretty good time. Watching racing amateurs tear around the track with little regard for smashing one another is quite amusing. I just can’t imagine doing it every weekend.

I’ll have to go back and check out the ice racing sometime, where they take their beaters and run around a track on the frozen lake.

Who doesn’t love a good office prank? Imagine walking in and seeing your desk laid out like this.

There’s been some random food floating around too — one of my co-workers took a piece of egg off his sandwich, put it in a bowl, and put it in someone else’s desk. That person found it, put some yogurt on it, and put it in another person’s desk. I have no idea how long that’s been circulating. I worry, because I can go for months without opening my desk drawers.

Switching the ‘n’ and ‘m’ keys is also a nice trick, for the non-touch typists. Another of my co-workers re-arranged someone’s keyboard to spell ‘Bermuda’ — this had to be pointed out to him a few hours later, unfortunately.

Tape over the mouthpiece of a phone will result in loud shouting: “Speak up?! I’m shouting into the phone as it is!”

Yet, somehow, I feel less safe. Office pranks do that to you. I’d better check my drawers, just in case.

What ever happened to the phrase the cat’s pajamas? There’s a lot of old phrases that have just dropped out of vogue (predictably), which is a shame, because it’s such a colorful part of the lexicon.

The cat’s pajamas is a phrase meaning that something is neat, hip, or cool. You might think of it like the other archaic phrase, the bee’s knees.

This phrase is such a strange concept. Who puts their cats in pajamas? Why are cat’s pajamas so desireable? Do cats really need to keep extra warm?

I have three cats. I have no particular desire to put them in flannelware. Well…maybe if…no, no, I stand by my statement, I don’t really want to see them in pj’s. Really. I’m not picturing a fluffy cat in flannel green pj’s right now. With slippers. Nope!

I think about how people who are learning English react to such colloquialisms. It must have been quite something to be having a conversation about something intriguing with an English speaker, only to have them bust out a “that’s the cat’s pajamas!” Their mind would probably think, “I know what a cat is, and I know what pajamas are, but I fail to see how the subject of our conversation is either of those things.” That is, unless they were actually looking at a pair of cat’s pajamas.

This phrase is quite widespread, despite its demise in popular culture. That’s what makes it so odd that there is such a dearth of good cat pajamas pictures on the Internet. Especially from cat lovers. Ah, if only we had more pictures available — that really would be the cat’s pajamas.

Ryan goes to Fenway! It’s an MS Paint children’s story cautionary tale. There’s something awesome about really, really crappy MS Paint pictures. That, and the use of Comic Sans MS as a font. You can’t really combine unprofessional with unattractive in any other way.

This tale is a cautionary tale to be careful of those blasted sidewalks which pounce on you after a few shots of Jager. Sure, when you’re sober, sidewalks just sit there, but get a little buzzed, and watch out!

Ah, to be a professional MS Paint artist. Now that would be the life.

The Meowinator! The latest breakthrough in people to cat communication technology! At long last, we have the tools to translate our words into the words of cats!

(Okay, so I was a little bored.)

It’s already getting rave reviews — “I’m speechless,” noted Andrew Teman, “You can use that as a testimonial — I’m speechless.” Okay! With great feedback like that, you can bet that Meowinator v2.0 will be sure to take the world by storm, right after it finishes clawing your couch. Yet another stunning example of what happens when you put the power of technology in the hands of someone who’ll implement anything just because it’s amusing. I fear for the world. Enjoy.

It would appear that Maine had a sanity adjustment, and has decided to accept EZPass / FastLane for tolls. Being a FastLane user, you would think that I’d find this to be great news. Yet, somehow it’s not. In this transitional period where the roads still have that “new FastLane toll smell”, there’s still a bit of confusion for FastLane users as to what’s going on. Let me explain.

Here in Massachusetts, when there is a FastLane toll available, it’s labeled as such. This is clearly marked and well understood, even to the most tired of drivers at 3am on a Saturday night. In fact, the attendant, if there even is an attendant, is not expected to look at you, say hello, or otherwise make his or her presence known. Not so on the Maine roads. They might have a sign somewhere along the way saying that EZPass is accepted, but that’s about it. Then, I’m not sure about this, but I think all lanes have it, with toll collectors working the booths and all.

So far, this sounds like a good thing, right? It is, except for one thing: the newbie FastLane user, having never been up this way while FastLane acceptance was working, probably gets toll money ready. He or she gets up to the booth and hands the money to the attendant, who takes it, like normal. (A FastLane user doesn’t usually even see an attendant in an automated lane, mind you.) However, if this person should perchance look forward at the same time, he or she might (and I emphasize might) notice a green light ahead of them with words on it. If they should happen to read the light, which they probably wouldn’t as they haven’t the other ninety thousand times they’d driven this way, they might see it say “EZ Pass Paid”. This might confuse them the first few times if they’re a FastLane user, especially after, say, a day of hard skiing. End result? Double payment. It’s like donating to the states in which you’re traveling.

Now, it’s not fair to put this on the toll collectors, who are probably not quite sure how to handle the whole thing either. They’ve spent most of their time to date taking money giving change as applicable. This whole drive-through-the-toll-like-you’re-doing-a-fifteen-mile-per-hour-drive-by thing isn’t normal in Maine. It’s normal for people to stop, give them money, then move on.

But that’s the rub. There’s a difference in action here that is a little disorienting for the person new to this setup, which means free revenue for the state in terms of double dipping. This can be a little aggravating when you realize how many tolls on which you’ve just double-paid.

With New Hampshire planning to switch in the near future, I see my double payments happening again soon, though this time I might be ready for it. Next time, I think I’ll just sit in my lane and stare blankly at the attendant. Or perhaps I’ll just look straight ahead, and pretend the attendant isn’t there. Let’s see who glances at that green light first!

No one knows what the future will be like, but id Software presented their take on 2145 with their dystopian Mars setting. From Doom 3, we can get a glimpse of the future, and learn what, at least in id’s perspective, life will be like 141 years from now. Here’s what I’ve learned so far…
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