Barack Obama unveils his plan to blur the national flag.

Obama tells off a rogue dentist at a rally.

Proving that in fact he is The One, Barack summons a rainstorm.

Obama appeals to the Halloween vote with his podium costume.

Barack descends from his stairway to heaven.

Obama bought his lottery ticket for the Mega Millions. Did you?

Apologies to both Obama and Boston.com’s excellent photographers for my bad humor.

• 1x Need For Speed: Underground
• 1x bottle of 18 year old Glenfiddich scotch
• 1x Person willing to drink and drive a virtual car

Fortunately, I was able to procure all of these items from the contents of my home. Need For Speed: Underground is an interesting choice, because it involves racing at high speeds through city streets. Granted, if drunk, I would hope that racing through the streets at high speeds wouldn’t be first on my mind, but what can you do. 18 year old Glenfiddich scotch was selected because a) I’m not particularly fond of Glenfiddich — it’s okay, but not my usual scotch; and b) I have two bottles of it. Dosage will be in one shot increments. Let the experiment begin!

No Shots

Wow, I have a little trouble navigating the roads at high speeds even when sober. It takes me several tries to finish some of the races. I ponder how short my career as an underground street racer would be in real life. Bonus tips: apparently, I can race pretty well, if I can slam into walls to lose some speed. Oh, and apparently, no matter how bad a smash up I may have, my car will emerge unscathed. They apparently must be making cars a lot better than they used to.

One Shot

The shot is warm going down, and I start to feel a little light-headed. Did someone turn on the heater? I start a race, and I’m the man. I’m reading the terrain in advance, and corning like a pro. When I power slide around a tight turn, I begin to think that I actually know how my car handles.

Two Shots

The second shot goes down easier than the first. Scotch, you say? I start wondering if I should turn on the ceiling fan. My racing isn’t as slick as after the first shot, but I can power through it. The nitro button makes my car do things I don’t like it to do. Mental note: if I’m ever drunk and driving (God forbid), do not I repeat do not engage the nitrous oxide system — it won’t end well.

Three Shots

It’s a little hard to stomach the third shot, as I feel the first two still settling in. My car has an affinity for trees, for some reason. Why do they keep jumping out in front of my car? It’s annoying to be cruising down a street at 90 MPH, only to suddenly be at 0 MPH in front of a tree. The other racers don’t seem to have this problem. Stupid cheating computer.

Four Shots

Hmm, why did the game makers make the screen all blurry? Is it to emphasize speed? Then I realize it’s not the game that’s blurry. I’m thanking the game makers for putting in the hard edges to the race track, or God knows where my car would be right now. Probably heading to a Denny’s.

Five Shots

If I’m getting into the underground racing scene, do I really want to be driving a Civic? Clearly not. I trade in my car for a Mazda Miata, which proves that I still have motor function enough to work menus — good news for late night food runs. Bad news for random eBay purchasing. The Miata has much more speed and acceleration than the Civic, which I’m starting to regret in my condition. I get out of my chair and sit closer to the TV. I don’t think that would be possible in a real car — the seat will only move so far forward.

Six Shots

There are a lot of colors on the screen. I hope none of them are ambulances. I’m pretty sure I saw a squirrel run by. Screw driving, I’m going to bed.

So there you have it, a cautionary tale in action. Drinking and driving is verifiably bad. No real news here, but I encourage you to try virtual drunk driving yourself to see how bad. Just watch out for the next morning, because though you may have only been virtually driving, you’ll feel like you’ve been in a real accident. I’m going to find a quiet place now.

So, say “yes.” In fact, say “yes” as often as you can. When I was starting out in Chicago, doing improvisational theatre with Second City and other places, there was really only one rule I was taught about improv. That was, “yes-and.” In this case, “yes-and” is a verb. To “yes-and.” I yes-and, you yes-and, he, she or it yes-ands. And yes-anding means that when you go onstage to improvise a scene with no script, you have no idea what’s going to happen, maybe with someone you’ve never met before. To build a scene, you have to accept. To build anything onstage, you have to accept what the other improviser initiates on stage. They say you’re doctors—you’re doctors. And then, you add to that: We’re doctors and we’re trapped in an ice cave. That’s the “-and.” And then hopefully they “yes-and” you back. You have to keep your eyes open when you do this. You have to be aware of what the other performer is offering you, so that you can agree and add to it. And through these agreements, you can improvise a scene or a one-act play. And because, by following each other’s lead, neither of you are really in control. It’s more of a mutual discovery than a solo adventure. What happens in a scene is often as much a surprise to you as it is to the audience.

Well, you are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what’s going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say “yes.” And if you’re lucky, you’ll find people who will say “yes” back.

Now will saying “yes” get you in trouble at times? Will saying “yes” lead you to doing some foolish things? Yes it will. But don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes.”

Excellent words, Mr. Colbert. It’s all too easy in life to become a cynic, so I applaud you calling it out. I apologize for you having to suffer the drudgeries of Galesburg, Illinois.

Actually, what they usually have up there are dirt track races — take your beater cars, paint a number on the side, and smash your way to victory, if necessary.

On the fourth, they had a few extra events, such as the demolition derby (which an aquaintance of mine won, with his ‘Cadziller’), and a boat trailer race, the outcome of which you can see above.

Somehow, this just seems like a bad idea: trucks with boat trailers and boats racing around a dirt track, with no regard for smashing one another. Even more peculiar is the rule that you only have to start the race with a boat. Feel free to lose the boat on that first lap around.

I have to admit, it was a pretty good time. Watching racing amateurs tear around the track with little regard for smashing one another is quite amusing. I just can’t imagine doing it every weekend.

I’ll have to go back and check out the ice racing sometime, where they take their beaters and run around a track on the frozen lake.

There’s been some random food floating around too — one of my co-workers took a piece of egg off his sandwich, put it in a bowl, and put it in someone else’s desk. That person found it, put some yogurt on it, and put it in another person’s desk. I have no idea how long that’s been circulating. I worry, because I can go for months without opening my desk drawers.

Switching the ‘n’ and ‘m’ keys is also a nice trick, for the non-touch typists. Another of my co-workers re-arranged someone’s keyboard to spell ‘Bermuda’ — this had to be pointed out to him a few hours later, unfortunately.

Tape over the mouthpiece of a phone will result in loud shouting: “Speak up?! I’m shouting into the phone as it is!”

Yet, somehow, I feel less safe. Office pranks do that to you. I’d better check my drawers, just in case.

The cat’s pajamas is a phrase meaning that something is neat, hip, or cool. You might think of it like the other archaic phrase, the bee’s knees.

This phrase is such a strange concept. Who puts their cats in pajamas? Why are cat’s pajamas so desireable? Do cats really need to keep extra warm?

I have three cats. I have no particular desire to put them in flannelware. Well…maybe if…no, no, I stand by my statement, I don’t really want to see them in pj’s. Really. I’m not picturing a fluffy cat in flannel green pj’s right now. With slippers. Nope!

I think about how people who are learning English react to such colloquialisms. It must have been quite something to be having a conversation about something intriguing with an English speaker, only to have them bust out a “that’s the cat’s pajamas!” Their mind would probably think, “I know what a cat is, and I know what pajamas are, but I fail to see how the subject of our conversation is either of those things.” That is, unless they were actually looking at a pair of cat’s pajamas.

This phrase is quite widespread, despite its demise in popular culture. That’s what makes it so odd that there is such a dearth of good cat pajamas pictures on the Internet. Especially from cat lovers. Ah, if only we had more pictures available — that really would be the cat’s pajamas.

This tale is a cautionary tale to be careful of those blasted sidewalks which pounce on you after a few shots of Jager. Sure, when you’re sober, sidewalks just sit there, but get a little buzzed, and watch out!

Ah, to be a professional MS Paint artist. Now that would be the life.

(Okay, so I was a little bored.)

It’s already getting rave reviews — “I’m speechless,” noted Andrew Teman, “You can use that as a testimonial — I’m speechless.” Okay! With great feedback like that, you can bet that Meowinator v2.0 will be sure to take the world by storm, right after it finishes clawing your couch. Yet another stunning example of what happens when you put the power of technology in the hands of someone who’ll implement anything just because it’s amusing. I fear for the world. Enjoy.